Woke Up This Morning To 6 Cops, A Fire Truck, And An Ambulance At My Door Because A Passing Car Was Concerned About The One Halloween Decoration I Neglected To Take Down source That Time I Modelled For A Clip Art Company At 16 And Ended Up On Dildo Batteries source Accidentally Spilled Coffee

A Bird Flew In My Window, Sh*t On My Laptop, And Decided To Die Right In Front Of Me. How’s Your Day Going? source About To Arrive For An Interview In A New Suit, Realise They Left The Tag On…. source Wife Asked Me To Check If The Chickens Laid Any Eggs. I’m Gonna Say No source Apparently,

So The Person Driving In Front Of Me On The Highway Today Didn’t Close His Toolbox All The Way source My Cousin’s Legs After A Day In The Sun In Ripped Jeans source Got A Sandwich Stuck In Vending Machine. Bought A Drink To Push The Sandwich. Damn source Watched A French Swat Team And This

Only Realised They Were There After The Flash source Yep, That’s Snow source I Dropped It… source So My Sister Got Her Allergy Test Done And She Was Allergic To Everything They Tested For. Her Worst Reaction Was To Horses source How To Lose At Life source I’ve Been At Work For 4

I Dropped It… source This Just Happened When I Took My Bananas Out Of A Bag source The Owner Of The Apartment Told Us It Will Be A Green/Blue Party. (Blue Is A German Expression For Being Drunk And Green For Weed). This Guy Thought We Make A Costume Party source Well, Good Morning source